What Is Emotional Intelligence? A Guide to Building EQ
Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions—both your own and others'. Unlike IQ, which stays relatively fixed throughout life, emotional intelligence can be developed at any age. This matters because research from TalentSmart shows that 58% of job performance comes from emotional intelligence, not technical skills.
The good news? You can build this skill. Your brain's neuroplasticity means that with consistent practice, you can literally rewire how you process and respond to emotions.
The Origin Story of Emotional Intelligence
The term "emotional intelligence" was coined by Yale psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990. The idea came from a simple observation: smart people often make terrible decisions when emotions get involved (Salovey & Mayer, 1990).
Salovey and Mayer were painting a house together when they started discussing why intelligent people sometimes act in ways that seem foolish. Their question—"How could someone so smart act so dumb?"—led to groundbreaking research on the role emotions play in thinking and decision-making.
Their work revealed something important: intellectual ability alone doesn't predict success. How we handle feelings matters just as much, if not more.
The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence
Salovey and Mayer identified five core components that make up emotional intelligence. Each builds on the others, creating a foundation for better relationships and decision-making.
1. Self-Awareness
Self-awareness means knowing what you're feeling and why. It's the ability to recognize your emotions as they happen, rather than being blindsided by them later.
People with high self-awareness can:
- Name their emotions with precision
- Understand how their feelings affect their behavior
- Recognize their strengths and limitations honestly
Research by psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett shows that emotional granularity—the precision of your emotional vocabulary—is a key component of emotional intelligence (Barrett, 2017). Instead of just feeling "bad," emotionally granular people distinguish between feeling frustrated, disappointed, anxious, or lonely. This precision leads to better coping strategies.
2. Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is what you do with emotions once you recognize them. It's not about suppressing feelings. It's about choosing how to express and act on them.
This skill helps you:
- Pause before reacting impulsively
- Adapt to changing circumstances
- Stay calm under pressure
- Take responsibility for your actions
3. Motivation
Emotionally intelligent people are driven by internal goals, not just external rewards. They persist through setbacks and maintain optimism even when things get difficult.
This intrinsic motivation shows up as:
- Commitment to personal standards
- Willingness to embrace challenges
- Resilience after failure
- Consistent effort toward long-term goals
4. Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand what others are feeling. It goes beyond sympathy—instead of just feeling sorry for someone, you genuinely comprehend their emotional experience.
Empathetic people:
- Read nonverbal cues accurately
- Listen without immediately judging
- Consider others' perspectives in decisions
- Respond to unspoken emotional needs
5. Social Skills
Social skills bring all the other components together in your relationships. This includes communication, conflict resolution, collaboration, and leadership.
Strong social skills help you:
- Build trust and rapport quickly
- Navigate difficult conversations
- Inspire and influence others positively
- Work effectively in teams
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters for Your Career
The data on emotional intelligence and professional success is striking. According to TalentSmart research:
- 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence
- People with high EQ earn an average of $29,000 more annually (PMC, 2021)
- EQ predicts 67% of leadership effectiveness
Yet only 36% of people worldwide demonstrate high emotional intelligence (Six Seconds, 2024). This gap represents an opportunity. Developing your EQ can set you apart in virtually any field.
How to Build Your Emotional Intelligence
Your brain can change. Neuroplasticity research shows that practices like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation actually increase connectivity between your prefrontal cortex and amygdala (Frontiers in Psychology, 2021). This connection helps you think more clearly when emotions run high.
Here's how to start building your EQ:
Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary
Barrett's research on emotional granularity shows that low emotional vocabulary is associated with psychological difficulties across many conditions. Start naming your emotions with more precision. Instead of "stressed," ask yourself: Am I overwhelmed? Rushed? Worried about something specific?
Practice the Pause
When you feel a strong emotion, pause before responding. Even three seconds can help your rational brain catch up with your emotional reaction.
Ask for Feedback
Self-awareness has blind spots. Ask trusted friends or colleagues how you come across in different situations. Their observations can reveal patterns you don't see.
Listen More Than You Speak
Empathy develops through genuine attention to others. Practice listening without planning your response. Focus on understanding before being understood.
Reflect Daily
Spend five minutes each evening reviewing your emotional experiences. What triggered strong feelings? How did you respond? What would you do differently?
The Timeline for Change
Building emotional intelligence isn't instant, but it's faster than you might expect. Research suggests that 3-6 months of consistent practice produces meaningful changes in EQ scores (Harvard DCE). The key word is consistent—occasional effort doesn't rewire neural pathways.
Take the First Step
Emotional intelligence isn't a fixed trait you either have or don't. It's a skill set you can develop throughout your life. Start with self-awareness. Pay attention to your emotions today without judging them.
The question that launched this field—"How could someone so smart act so dumb?"—has an answer now. Smart people struggle when they lack emotional intelligence. But that intelligence can be built, one moment of awareness at a time.
References
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. https://lisafeldmanbarrett.com/books/how-emotions-are-made/
Frontiers in Psychology. (2021). Can we 'brain-train' emotional intelligence? A narrative review. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.569749/full
PMC. (2021). Could emotional intelligence ability predict salary? A cross-sectional study in a multioccupational sample. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7908419/
Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 9(3). https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.2190/DUGG-P24E-52WK-6CDG
Sharma, R., et al. (2024). Does emotional intelligence contribute to career success? Evidence from a systematic literature review. Global Business and Organizational Excellence. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/joe.22246
Six Seconds. (2024). State of the heart: Global emotional intelligence research. https://www.6seconds.org/emotional-intelligence/research/
Embrace helps you develop emotional intelligence through guided reflection and personalized insights. Start building your EQ today.